*** TRIGGER WARNING – MINOR ASSULT DETAILS AND MATURE SUBJECT MATTER. ***
He was someone I knew since I was five and she was someone I knew since I was four.
We all grew up together, in the same classes from k-5. We always had each other’s backs, until the summer going into grade six.
The night before, I walked down six houses to my best friend’s house. We were going to set up the tent and camp in the backyard. We pre-planned our whole sleepover. The next morning after the sleepover, we were going to have over the guy that we both had a crush on. I packed my lucky lime green underwear, because I always had something good happen to me while wearing them, as well as my favourite dress I just got that was black on the skirt and a grey tank top style on the top. We had our sleepover, and the guy came over the next day as planned. We still had the tent set up and so we thought we could play truth or dare while in the tent. Our idea was ruined when her parents said that we weren’t allowed to have a boy in the tent. We opted to begin the game on the trampoline instead. Things went like a typical truth or dare game goes at 10, where you’d do stupid dares and tell things like: if you peed the bed as a kid. But things took a turn for what ended up to be the worst.
It started off with the guy daring my best friend to kiss him and then for me to kiss him next. This continued for a while. Soon enough my bestfriend and I thought it would be a good idea to make it more fun and less boring to sneak into the tent with this guy without her parents knowing. So, when it came my turn, she dared me to make out with him in the tent. I had a huge crush on this guy so I was like “yeah let’s do this.”
I was excited I was going to have some time with this guy alone without battling my best friend for him. When he got me in the tent he said he liked me way better than my bestfriend, and that he was only kissing her to make her feel included. He told me to lay down so he could lay down on top of me and make out with me. I said “why? We don’t need to lay down to kiss.”
He told me to just lay down and that it was going to be okay.
So I did.
He started kissing me and feeling my body up and down. I didn’t really think anything of it until he started taking off my underwear. I said
“what are you doing? Please stop.”
“No , it’s okay this will feel really good I promise it’s not going to hurt at all.”
As I said that, my friend unzipped the tent, looked in, and saw him on top of me with my panties down and his pants down. She zipped up the tent and was ANGRY because she liked him and thought he liked her. She had no idea that I was about to be raped by someone we thought was our friend. When she zipped up the tent, he kept going. I was saying
“ow! please stop”
“it’s okay, it will only be a minute and it will feel good I promise you”
As he said those words, I froze up. I didn’t know what the hell was happening to me.
I got the thought process that this must be normal. This must be what people who like each other do. He only got it in for about a minute and then a spider ran across his face. I am terrrrrrified of spiders.
Maybe it was one of my guardian angels saving me, because in that moment, I had so much force to push him off of me.
“ I can’t do this, I’m sorry.”
“the spiders gone, we will be fine, come back here please. Let’s finish please.”
I pulled up my lime green underwear as fast as I could and booked it out of that tent and went straight to my bestfriend. She said:
“I can’t believe you guys just had sex. You knew I liked him”.
My mouth dropped and I didn’t even know how to respond. I didn’t even know that what he just did to me was called that. All I could say was:
“he told me he didn’t even like you”.
When we got into grade six, she went around the school and told everyone me and this guy had sex. She had no idea what really happened. She never asked. And I never told. I went along with the narrative because that’s all I knew. I was ridiculed by everyone about having sex at 10! My best friend didn’t even care that she told everyone this. She thought it would make her look better and be liked more.
By the time grade 8 hit , I found out a lot more about sex and sexual assault. I realized I was assaulted by this guy. But, I still never said anything. I canceled it and never let myself feel it. I kept going on self-destructing by trying to find love and affection in men who just wanted me for sex. I would allow men to continuously use me.
And then, at 14, my same best friend introduced me to this guy who had just moved here – who she’d met at the skatepark. He was extremely cute so we all went back to her place and just hung out, the three of us. We hung out a few times before he tried anything.
One day, he waited until my friend had to go upstairs for dinner. We were sitting on the couch watching a movie waiting for her to come back when he went on top of me and started kissing me and pulling off my clothes.
“what are you doing?”
“I want you so bad.”
Not knowing how to feel or what to say, I made up excuses as he continued wrestling to pull off my clothes.
As he put himself inside me, he said
“don’t worry, it will be quick.”
I didn’t even try to fight it. I just lay there, letting him do what he needed. My friend started coming down the stairs and he quickly stopped and pulled his pants up and sat far away from me. He acted as if he never even touched me. When he left, I told my bestfriend what he did. I got the same response I did a few years ago.
“What the hell?! You knew I liked him.”
I lived six houses up from my bestfriend so there were days I was at her house before she was even home. Well…. one of those days where I was there before her, she brought home this same guy again. I felt a very uneasy feeling and was telling her I needed to go. She kept telling me to stay because he was leaving right after we watched a movie. I was not happy with it but I stayed. I stayed far away from him and acted as if he wasn’t there.
I don’t really remember what happened, but one thing led to another and he was on top of me again. This time my friend saw at the beginning and told him to get off of me. She said it once… then nothing. She saw it all from start to almost finish. She didn’t intervene. She’d walk in and out of the room and wait for him to finish or see if he was done. The only time she’d said anything was at the beginning. Again, I lay there, frozen and therefor unable to move or fight. I didn’t care anymore what was happening.
I just felt like I deserved this at this point and I must have asked for it.
I kept my mouth shut for two more years until me and my mom were in a fight. For some reason, I belched out how I was assaulted three different times and she hadn’t even been aware. She then wanted me to go get a rape test and charge these guys. I sat there and told her mom there’s no f*cking proof – there’s nothing I can do. These guys are free.
“I’m over it”.
I was never over it.
I sit here and say I’m over it and that I don’t need to charge them. Truth is, I’m not over it and I wish there was proof to put them away. Everyday I feel worthless. Every time I’m in a relationship or have a sexual encounter with a guy, I get too attached or I completely detach. If a guy rolls over right after he finishes and doesn’t give me attention, it instantly feels like I was taken advantage of. It makes me replay those days from long ago in my head and makes me compare the situation now to then and how it feels so much the same.
My sex life isn’t the same.
My romantic life isn’t the same.
I seek things I shouldn’t seek from this experience.
As much as talking and relating to others has helped like a sh*t-ton, I still feel like I’m battling these demons and that they will never leave. It’s something that will always be a part of me, no matter how far I try to shove it down. On the days where it creeps back up, that’s when I reach out to others and talk about the feelings I feel. I know now that they are all normal feelings to feel. A lot of my health issues have to do with the sexual assault manifesting in my head. When I sit here alone and let the bad thoughts tell me I deserved it, and that this is what I’ll always deserve, I become very sick. I also start creating a lot of stuff in my head.
That being said, the more I work to stay out of that mindset – the more i see myself as a survivor.
I didn’t have a choice about this happening to me, and I will forever hold these stories but not let them defeat me. I will continue being the survivor I am. I will not let these men in my life who have hurt me time after time continue to rule my life and how I look at myself.
I am beautiful.
I am worthy.
And I am worthy of love.
I am not a sex object, and no man will take advantage of me any longer.
I have the right to say no and I have the right to take a stand.
B, Fraser Valley