A glimpse into the collection
*trigger warning – depression, ptsd, mature subject matter*
Hi friends! R here 🙂
The week after my big incident, I spent a week in Amsterdam to get away and process what had happened (I had lived in Amsterdam for a while before and it is truly a safe place for me – where I feel most at rest and at peace). I had been told by the doctors who saw me immediately after my incident to keep a journal. This is some of what came out as I attempted to explain what was going on in my head – a somewhat random selection of some of the poems.
I intend on releasing the entire little poetry-like journal as a e-book or pdf that can be downloaded by donation to the society, with all proceeds going directly to helping survivors. I am working on getting it illustrated and will let you know when it’s ready!
April 01, 2018. 9:42 AM (AMS Time)
I don’t feel like I am truly, presently living;
Like I’m peering into the world externally as a ghost would.
Or, as God does, I suppose.
Seeing all without being seen.
My social worker at the hospital said to Journal, so…
here I am.
I don’t want to write
A man asked me for money on the street.
‘A euro short’ he said
I had many thoughts flood me:
A euro for drugs?…..
Drugs for you?….
….Or someone else?
A euro for sex?
A euro for weed?
I cannot know which.
So, who am I
To deprive him of a euro
When I have one in my pocket?
I gave him €1.25
But I couldn’t smile
I am not
Going to let him
11 Things that are in fact real in this moment
- I feel like a f*ckup
- I smell gluten free bread and dark roast coffee
- I feel like i am the one who needs to fix me, because I feel like I f*cked up
- I want – i need to get myself on track (I feel like I am spiralling down a black hole and I need to make a 180 before it’s too late.)
- My whole body aches
- Everything looks and feels grey – Like I have the eyes of a dog
- I want to cry but I cannot
- I need a holiday more than anything
- I have a lot of tension in the back of my head
- I want to be angry but I cannot
- I taste smokey lukewarm coffee
The passion i’ve held
For the entirety of my life
Float above me
I’m left empty
I can see it, but I cannot reach it
No passion left
No fuel to live
*all texts written above belong to Riley-Ann Holm. Do not use without permission.*